Enjoyable

I was sitting on a black outdoor chair in a field at golden hour. The field was pleasant, because your eyes could look out far and not run into road or another home. My friend set a chair over and glanced out at the field with me. She was spending the evening helping me untangle thoughts and ideas that had tangled into my safety net. I like the lies that fill the brims of my mind on days, because they are comfort and familiar. But regardless of their benefit, they suffocate life. They cause me to be so worn out from trying to perform, that I find myself secluded, snuggled in a bed watching tv to numb my mind. They lead me to lash out at the ones’ I love. They squelch compassion and desire for people. They cause the days to blur together and for my life to look stuck. The end goal of lies, is to squeeze the life out of you and to leave you with a bare interior and sufficient looking exterior. They leave you to your lukewarm, excuse filled life. 

There I set, unaware of some of the lies that had made entrance into my daily life. One of those lies, was that I am not enough. The lie manifested itself in how I behaved with the kids I nanny for this summer. I would tire myself day after day trying to make them like me. I tried to be entertaining, creative, innovative, encouraging, and funny. The annoying part was they really didn’t care. No matter how hard I was trying to make them think I was the coolest, their opinion of me did not waver.

As I sat in a field staring up at the pink clouds, my friend said that the Lord thinks that I am enjoyable. My eyes were refreshed by the tears that acknowledged the truth and freedom of that statement. I am enjoyable. You are enjoyable. The Lord longs to sit with us, and he thinks that the way we were created in our mother’s womb is enough to slide a smile up his cheeks. He giggles to himself when we squirt hand sanitizer to kill the ants in our homes. He smiles when we fall into the ease of hugging the people we love. He delights when we dance around the kitchen. His heart swells when we are in simple awe of his creation. He loves when we are a listening ear to a close friend. The things we do without much thought, he treasures. He enjoys.

This truth has become a sweet reality as I nanny this summer. First, because I have truly enjoyed the children that I have been able to watch, know and love this summer. I love how Zion will not let go of a balloon (“boon” as he calls it) all day long. I love how Maddox becomes one with his sno cone. I love how Rei smiles and bounces back and forth at the first sight of me. I enjoy them. My heart is satisfied in who they are. I could be with them for long hours and slow days, and be full. When they say they love me, or want to snuggle with me, or they obey me – my heart cannot even handle the joy. Second, the enjoy me. They laugh at my childishness. They delight at the squeeze of my embrace. They squeal when I chase them. Their eyes light up when we dance around the kitchen together. As I have learned the freedom to dance on a back porch in my wet clothes to a Spanish song (diaries of a nanny), the kids have grown to enjoy who I am. They enjoy me without me conforming to the person I feel like they would like or want.

Imagine how much more the Lord loves and enjoys than I. He treasures our quirks, adventures, gifts, dreams, desires, and personality just as they are. He delights in us. When we take little or big steps to him, he rejoices. When His daughter who makes him giggle by attacking spiders and ants in illogical ways, comes to Him, he rejoices. He loves us. He loves us so much that he enjoys us.

When I acknowledge that he enjoys me as I am, I let go of all the pretenses and fancy phrases. I become a raw form of myself, aware of my humanness. My perspective changes and loosens. I long to sit with the one who loves me and enjoys me. I long to claim Him as my life and sufficiency. When I know that the Lord finds me enjoyable, I stand bare in a simple white dress on the ocean shore with hair down soaking in an evening sky. I stand in anticipation of the joy that is to come, knowing that he is transforming me in my weakness. So long to a lukewarm, excuse filled life.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.”

2 Corinthians 3:17-18

*I have taken way too many photos this summer and have been an overbearing-squeeze-their-cheeks kind of nanny. But I hope these make you smile. I mean adorable.*